Approaching Sideline Sitters

I've now gotten this question a few times from fighters who want to be more inclusive to their Belegrim brethren who don't take to the field: What should I do to make them feel more welcome? I see them on the sidelines, but I don't know what to say.

There is no easy or correct answer to that question, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

First of all, be aware that plenty of sideline-sitters are introverts. The extroverts may sit on the sidelines, but they more easily engage in conversations with fighters who flow on and off the field. The introverts, on the other hand, are unlikely to talk much unless they need something. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy fighting or the presence of other Belegrim, but they're much less likely to seek out the conversation and company of others.

I'm the perfect example of this. Though I'm quite mouthy online, I'm dead silent at practices and events unless I have a reason to be loud. I'm content to sit, listen, and watch, rarely approaching other Belegrim of any sort for small talk. However, if you decide to stop by and engage me in a purposeful conversation, I will chat along quite happily. If you start talking about fighting theory in a friendly manner, you'll never get me to shut up.

Also know that when you sit on the sidelines, you see and hear a lot more than the average fighter. If you interact with others in a negative or intimidating way, you can bet that the person on the sidelines won't be interested in talking with you. It may feel a little cruel to be pre-judged like that, but it's just the truth: your first impression will not be based on how you talk to them, but how you talk to others around them.

With this in mind, know that you will probably need to reach out to your typical, quiet sideline sitter. Small talk will likely not get you far, so be prepared to have a more meaningful conversation if you want to build a better relationship. You can still open with the typical "would you like to fight?", but you'll need to be prepared based on their answer.

I'd like to fight, but...

If the person you're talking to seems to want to fight but isn't confident enough to do it, the next things you say are crucial. This happens most often with new people checking out Belegarth for the first time. I've screwed up this conversation plenty of times myself, so don't be discouraged if you aren't successful at your first attempts.

First, be aware that peer pressure may backfire. For some people, like me, being nagged to do something makes them dig their heels in. Saying "Come on, just fight, it'll be fun!" on repeat isn't like to win you many favors after the first refusal. Occasionally, people will give in, but that isn't very common.

More effective is figuring out why they're hesitant to fight. If they're afraid of the field or making a fool of themselves, accept that and give them another place to learn. You may even want to offer to train them yourself.

IMPORTANT - Guys, be careful how you word your offer to teach someone to fight if they are female. Anything about "Private training" or "I'd be happy to help you one-on-one" comes across as seriously creepy regardless of your intentions.

A better alternative is to ask "Would you like to learn how to fight? I can go through some of the basics with you before you take the field." If you think you're just too scary or socially inept for that, try to have another female fighter on hand that can help teach newbies. No female fighters? Ask the least-threatening guy you have who's also a decent teacher to help out. I use my husband for this all the time.

Non-threatening level : MASTER. Photo © Rinwilya Rose

In the end, the your goal is to be friendly and welcoming. Even if it turns out the sideline sitter doesn't want to fight, having that small conversation means they have one more person they're connected to at Belegarth. The more people they know and like, the more likely they will stick around.

Fighting's really not my thing

This response is far more common from the seasoned Belegrim who has consciously chosen to be a non-com. Although you may ask why they've decided not to fight, do not pressure them into joining you. Respect their wishes to remain on the sidelines.

IMPORTANT- Be careful not to imply that they're only there because of their fighter friends, unless you want the conversation to end prematurely. They may just be following someone else to Belegarth events, but you'll want to let them tell you that explicitly before you assume.

Instead, you may want to dsicuss why they enjoy Belegarth. In general, this conversation is about finding common ground, even if it ends up being shorter than you would like. Remember, you both are Belegrim and both have chosen to spend time and money with Belegarth, even if you don't both stand on the field. You might be surprised at how much you share. Don't be afraid to ask questions if they aren't busy - just like fighters, most non-coms love to talk shop!

One last bit of advice

I hope this has been somewhat helpful to you. At the very least, it should give you an idea of where to start a conversation on the sidelines. Before I close this article, I have one last thing you should do your best to attempt.

If anyone you approach has been doing event service, be sure to thank them, even in passing. Although they may be uncomfortable accepting praise, they will not forget it. Setting an example of respect and decent manners is important for the culture of Belegarth to continue to evolve positively and encourage sideline sitters to become more involved.