A step back

It's funny how these things sometimes happen in close succession. Taking one step back from what you're doing in life can make you take another and another as the big picture becomes more clear. And sometimes it just takes a tiny push for everything to suddenly snap into focus.

Just a few weeks ago, I decided to withdraw from the race for PR Coordinator because of legal and health concerns. Today, I am completely dropping any other leadership positions I may officially or unofficially hold where there are others to take my place. I will let them deal with the drama and the sleepless nights, the days lost to worry, regret, and hope. I'm not cut out for it; I never have been. I simply have done it because I get frustrated when work goes ignored or unfinished.

That isn't to say that I won't participate in Belegarth anymore - I will still aid when called, and I will still quietly share my thoughts and lessons on this blog. After all, this was started as my catharsis. If you would like to chat about the state of things and what could be done, I am always available. If you need to yell about how awful some of the people are, I will listen. But just as I've consciously chosen to avoid a unit, so I will avoid pushing out my proclivities to the world.

I've realized that though I get great joy in sharing ideas and having them both challenged and implemented, the culture of Belegarth is one in which I cannot ultimately survive if I am too involved. I can already see I'm on the road to subconsciously avoiding events again. It's hard to enjoy them when all you see is the duty and the work, the responsibility to suffer through for the sake of others. I love Belegarth, but there is little joy in it for me outside of the occasional good practice or conversation. It's been that way for a long time now, and I haven't wanted to face that fact. Above all, I haven't wanted to leave behind all the friends I've made.

I hope by stepping back even further, but not truly leaving, I can find something, anything, that genuinely makes me happy about Belegarth other than a select few people. I admit, my faith isn't strong that it will come, since fighting seems to only fill me with fear, anger, and frustration (Maybe I could become a Sith?).

Who knows, I might just be one of those that doesn't belong in Belegarth; it wouldn't be the first time I've thought it. Regardless, I feel I owe it to myself, my husband, those I support, and those who have supported me to try to renew my connection with Belegarth, so I can continue be a positive influence in small ways. I can't do that as a leader.

I hope you all understand. More importantly, I hope you'll help me to not make the same mistake again. I know I will be tempted to become more involved again. I really can't handle the spotlight; I know that now.